Ashes and beauty

What shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?                                                                 

                                                                                                  Romans 8:31

     As I lay on my white tiled bathroom floor, staring at the bottom of my toilet, one word replayed over and over again in my mind....

     "Failure. Failure. Failure." Interrupted only momentarily with a pronoun, "You're a failure."

     I couldn't keep my children safe from illness, I couldn't help the Haitian people while lying in my bed, I couldn't serve anyone when I myself needed to be served.

      I felt miserable, but what made it unbearable was the knowledge that my children felt even more miserable. 103+ temps, digestive issues that I'll leave to your imagination, lethargia. House visits from a wonderful Haitian doctor. Prescriptions. The children bounced back. Everyone was doing ok. Maybe I wasn't a complete failure. We could pull it all together. We've got this. God's is for us!

     Then Jyeva got worse. She was allergic to the antibiotics they had available. We searched and searched. The doctor told us it was time to think about getting her to the United States. The reality quickly came crashing to us. It was very difficult to keep the children well in Haiti. Our work was going well, exceptional. Our children were not faring so well. 

     And so we made the difficult decision to come home, get everyone well. Re-assess. Plan B. 

     Then, Jyeva got worse. High fever, still untold digestive issues, too quiet for her usually chipper self. As we traveled down the mountain to Port au Prince at 4am on Friday. I looked out the window at those beautiful mountains, Caribbean Sea peeking out from the bay below, and felt like my dreams were dissolving with the early morning mist. Then I quickly jumped into Mom-mode and focused all my energy on getting my little girl to good health. I prayed, "God, I'm gonna need help here. Send me the people I need in my path today. Fight Jyeva's battle for her. Give us strength." 

     And as God always does

           He heard my prayer before I even uttered it. He answered my plea in ways that would be revealed to me in the coming hours.

    I saw dreams dissolving in mist, God saw the incense of my prayers rising before Him.  

      I hate to fail. 2 years ago, on Easter Sunday, during the sermon my husband had everyone write down on a slip of paper their deepest fear. On my slip I wrote these words, "Failing at everything." He had us burn those slips of paper, God consuming them with His love and sufficiency. So, that's the picture I treasure in my heart when I'm struggling. God is more than capable of consuming my failure and turning it into ashes, molded into something beautiful. He is more than capable of taking Satan's arrows and flinging them back.

      Here in this Fort Lauderdale hospital, I don't know what Plan B is, but He does. He also knows Plan C,D,E, and F. He't not limited by my failures, or my successes. There is a million unanswered questions in my heart. But He has the answers. 

       The answer I heard this morning in the reaches of my heart, through His Spirit and through the lips of His Body....

       You are not a failure, my child. You are loved. You are treasured. You can only see in part. I see in Full. If I am for you, nothing can be against you. Be ready... because I have plans child. I have plans.