Friday, November 15, 2013

headaches, MRIs, and God's will

Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.                                                               Psalm 143:8

    An MRI. I know it sounds like no big deal. It's not painful. It's not invasive for the most part. But this is the test that threw me over the edge. I actually begged my doctor to just let this one go. Not necessary, I said. Just let it me be.
     The truth was I was scared to death of that dumb machine. I had been poked and prodded. I downloaded my story to 27 doctors and nurses over the course of 2 days. But this thing, this MRI. I just couldn't do it. I was done to begin with, tired and drained. The fear was too much. The idea of a tube and no way out literally did my soul in. I waited for them to confiscate me for the dreaded test. They gave me some supposedly amazing sedative, but I tell you a sedative has nothing on a spiritual struggle. Fear choked me in that silly machine. I closed my eyes and said bible verses to myself, realized my memorization skills had a lot to be desired, and spontaneously switched to hymns.
       There it began to pour out. The hymn that ran on repeat in my head
                Lord, take my life and let it be....consecrated unto thee
                Take my moments and my days
                Let them sing your ceaseless praise
       And all I could think is - I thought I knew what you wanted, Lord. I thought I knew.
       45 minutes later, pulled out of the dreaded tube, I got back to my room and to my beautiful smiling husband. I fell into a headache stupor and let the spiritual struggle sit back deep in my heart.

      5 days later, at home (I love my home!), I shared with Dave my heart. I hate feeling like I have no idea where God wants me to be. I dread contemplating it each day. I want so desperately to know what God wants with my life. When we were preparing and planning and then serving in Haiti, I felt so close to God's will. I felt like I was standing in the center of exactly what God wanted for me without doubt, for the first time in my life. Then, I felt like that was all falling apart. I knew in my head to trust in the Lord, that He had a plan, good would come through it all. But my heart was breaking and worst of all, I felt an absence of God's presence. To go from knowing without a doubt what God wanted for me to complete chaos, it was devastating. It's a struggle. I'm sure some of you have been there.
      So, I rely on what I know, what I am told in the Word. On the promises of God before me. Good will come from this. He does have a plan. My job is to seek Him, and nothing brings you to your knees quite like upheaval. I lift up my soul to him, crying out-
               "Show me the way, Lord. Show me the way." And He will. He always does.